Aching for Something New

Spring is happening, and with it comes an urge for change. I'm frantic with restlessness. I thought about cutting my hair.

My hair today.

I've been growing it out for some time now. When it's wet, it's past my shoulders--in some areas, it's almost to the bottom of my shoulder blades. It's a bit of a hassle to brush or comb (which I only do when my hair is wet, since it is otherwise very, very difficult). Let's not even talk about what it does after I go swimming. I keep thinking about cutting all of it off--like, pixie cut short. Halle Berry short. Then I think about how long I've been growing my hair out and I don't do it.

I might do it anyway.

I got tired of all the dishes I'd been cooking: baked chicken with steamed vegetables, steamed vegetables and rice, butter beans and rice, and so on. I ate restaurant food three dinners in a row and felt terrible. My feet swelled. (Restaurant food is so salty! I eat a low-sodium diet.) Yesterday, I decided that I must eat something new and I have to make it myself. So, I went to a variety of grocery stores and procured my ingredients.

Today, I cooked Ethiopian-style red lentil stew and rice-only onigiri (seasoned with Japanese rice seasoning). I've never made either of those things before. Instead of my usual oatmeal and a banana, I made eggs en cocotte for breakfast: an egg atop spinach, tomatoes, mushrooms, and cheese, baked in a ramekin for fifteen minutes. I also ate strawberries--my first of the season!--and a Korean melon, which I'd never had before. (It's small and yellow, looks like a pumpkin, and tastes like honeydew.)

I got tired of working on dating. I'm letting it drop. It's too exhausting and it hurts my (previously thought to be impervious to attack) self-esteem. I'd rather be alone and feeling awesome about myself than be alone while feeling ridiculous about how I'm going about trying not to be alone anymore.

It's that Strong Black Woman stereotype thing that I'm playing into...but I can't help it. To quote Janet Jackson, "I want to be the one in control."

I wonder what else I can change to make things better?