I've spent years identifying bad habits and fighting to get rid of them: talking incessantly, being messy, and procrastinating are three bad habits I've managed to cut back on (since I'm pretty sure I can't get rid of them altogether). I have a couple that are out of control, though.
- Eating candy or chips in the afternoon on a work day
- Being too hard on myself for not achieving things the way they need to be achieved, even if they are things that I can't actually achieve without help (for example, not losing weight quickly enough because I eat junk food when I'm stressed and near a vending machine, being single for years upon years, or not having finished a book yet)
To solve #1, I should find another habit to replace the vending machine habit. I could take a walk to another building to check my mailbox. I've tried that a couple of times and it hasn't worked yet, but that doesn't mean I should stop trying.
To solve #2...I don't know. I've been working on that one a while, too. Sometimes, I write out plans.
"I will never write a book because I'm lazy and the whole idea is overwhelming and I have nothing to write about anymore oh damn am I not a poet anymore?!" becomes "Go have some new experiences. Live in the moment. Process all that. Schedule writing time. Try not to worry about the quality of writing during the drafting phase. Write so many hours for so many weeks. Aim for x number of poems. Revise."
These plans get abandoned during the moments of despair and days of routine chores.
Sometimes, I exercise more to combat the afternoon essay-grading snack-a-thons, but sometimes my body doesn't like that and my joints start to hurt. Then, I might eat something else because I've given up hope for the moment.
Sometimes, I make an effort; I try to meet men, but it's surprisingly hard in a bar culture...well, maybe it's not so surprising if you (I) don't drink and only go to bars to participate in an activity (usually an activity that many men dislike, such as karaoke or swing dancing).
To paraphrase my grandmother, you can't make nobody love you because love isn't a forced thing. Everyone involved has to be willing to give it a go. I'm letting this thing go, since after years (many years...before Katrina years) of being single, I doubt it's going to change. I'm not wasting the energy anymore. I like to work on things where I can see the results: a line of muscle in my calves, a manuscript of poems on my desk, a plate of home-cooked food on my table. Those things are mine.
I can form a plan to accomplish those other things, even though ancillary things (being tired of writing after writing paragraphs of comments on essays all day, having a case of the snackies after reading and grading essays all day, having a recalcitrant body that will hurt and be nonfunctional at the drop of a hat, having too little time in a day to get the practical things as well as the extracurricular things done) keep getting in the way.
Sometimes, I make an effort; I try to meet men, but it's surprisingly hard in a bar culture...well, maybe it's not so surprising if you (I) don't drink and only go to bars to participate in an activity (usually an activity that many men dislike, such as karaoke or swing dancing).
To paraphrase my grandmother, you can't make nobody love you because love isn't a forced thing. Everyone involved has to be willing to give it a go. I'm letting this thing go, since after years (many years...before Katrina years) of being single, I doubt it's going to change. I'm not wasting the energy anymore. I like to work on things where I can see the results: a line of muscle in my calves, a manuscript of poems on my desk, a plate of home-cooked food on my table. Those things are mine.
I can form a plan to accomplish those other things, even though ancillary things (being tired of writing after writing paragraphs of comments on essays all day, having a case of the snackies after reading and grading essays all day, having a recalcitrant body that will hurt and be nonfunctional at the drop of a hat, having too little time in a day to get the practical things as well as the extracurricular things done) keep getting in the way.
I'm not sure what that plan is yet, though.
3 comments:
What if you replaced the vending machine habit with another snacky but lower calorie food? Like wasabi peas or nori or something like that? As for 2, I'm working on that, too.
I am totally a snacker, too. I find that the best cure is MORE WORK, which adds to the stress but sucks up the time I'd devote to snacking. So. Lose lose.
And when you figure out how to maintain the creative energy and focus required to write poems when you've spent the rest of your day writing non-poems for other people... please PLEASE tell me your secret. Because I have written one poem and one short story and a few pages of my "novel" and that's IT in the past eight years. DISGUSTING. Or more accurately, just disheartening.
Shalini, I tried drinking tea to replace the candy today. Then I bought a Snickers and ate it. On the positive side, I ate four and a half servings of fruit and two servings of vegetables today. Does that balance it any?
I feel like the only way to harness the creative energy and the time is to say no to something else. If I'm writing, I'm not cooking, cleaning, or spending time with other people. I'm also fighting the guilt about not doing those other things. Sometimes I have to sacrifice one thing for the other. Doctor's Wife, I hope you can find the time and energy to write!
Post a Comment